Excuses, excuses.

Okay, okay. I know: I haven’t posted in a long time. I have some really good excuses though!

Excuse #1: My laptop is dead. My son fried it. I’m writing this on my iPhone, which is incredibly inconvenient.

Excuse #2: He’s probably going to hate this, but my boyfriend is the second excuse. But it’s not what you think! I’m not saying that I’m too busy being utterly in love to write a blog post. Quite frankly, being single and looking for love was much more time consuming.

No, this is a different type of excuse. My boyfriend has this amazing way of making me feel beautiful. For the first time in my life, I feel physically desired and desirable. Which is totally unheard of for a woman with serious body image issues.

I’ve been deliriously happy these past four and a half months. I’ve also been ignoring taking care of myself. Truth be told, I have been enjoying having someone else take care of me…. Not so much in a literal way, but in an emotionally supportive kind of way. However, I will openly admit that I have ceased to take good care of myself.

I’ve been eating like crap. I haven’t been exercising. I’ve gained weight. How much, I’m not sure, as I’m loathe to step on the scale. All I know is that my fat clothes have started to get tight. My skin looks dull and worn. I’m tired most of the time. I feel physically gross.

The good news is that the back pain that had been plaguing me has improved. I no longer have crippling sciatica pain down my right leg.

The bad news? I have done nothing to work towards my goal. And I’m really mad at myself.

I’ve realized that I started this goal wanting to be thinner and healthier to find love. I truly thought that no one could possibly love me when I look like this. I was, thank the lord, completely wrong. But now I’m lacking the motivation that came from self-loathing.

Late this past summer, I had started eating clean. It felt great. I had more energy, my skin looked great, and I felt younger. Then, the stress of work hit. I have a very difficult group of kids in my class this year. At the end of the day, I am worn out, stressed and tired. More often than not, I stop somewhere for a coffee and a pastry of some sort. Or even just a chocolate bar.

That was the start of the downward decline. A cookie after work slowly became bad lunches, quick dinners and McDonald’s drive-thru for breakfast.

I have to turn things around. I know, from experience, if I try to do it all at once, I will fall flat on my face. Baby steps. They work.

My first baby step is to cut out the after school visit to Starbucks and Timmies. This I can do. I need to plan for being tired and worn out after work. That means packing a healthy, energizing snack for after school.

Today, I had an apple and a snack/cereal type bar in the car on the way home. The apple was a good choice. The bar? Not so much. I was rather proud of myself for bypassing Tim Hortons, but then promptly had a stack of Oreos when I got home.

Perhaps I also need to look at why I’m so tired at the end of the day. Yes, work is hard and exhausting. But am I properly fueling my body? Nope. I know I’m not staying hydrated. And I’m not eating in a way that will keep me energized.

Definitely something to think about. However, for the next week, I will focus on not stopping for sugary snacks on the way home.